Sleep With 'Em First!
Well, as I sit here writing this, it’s very quiet. The air is cool and the house is dark, the only light emanating from within being the light from my computer. It’s so quiet here, in fact, that I can hear the rhythm from my fingertips as they dance across this keyboard. Sounds like the perfect writer’s scenario, doesn’t it? The problem is that it isn’t, in fact, this whole situation blows. It happens to be 6 am on a Saturday morning and I’m sitting here wide awake!
How does this happen? How can I be so tired each Monday through Friday morning when I must get up, yet voluntarily wake up early on Saturday? Each workday, as I struggle to get out of bed, my mind consoles me by telling me the following,
“It’s okay, just push yourself until Saturday and then you can sleep in and make up for all the time you lost during the week.”
What a lie! It never works out that way, instead, I spend a bleary-eyed Saturday most weeks on account of my own brain. What a sad state of affairs, your own brain working against your own personal comfort. The worst thing is, I really like to sleep. Sleep makes you feel better, it’s the best cure for colds imaginable, and I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about people based on sleep.
Don’t think so? Well, let’s consider a few things. You can tell just how much make-up and facial enhancement someone goes through life with when you wake up before they do one morning. Let’s face it, more than one marriage has gotten off to a rocky start when the male of the equation discovers that his blushing bride has had a whole lot of cosmetic help re her “look.” And let’s not stop there, sleeping can let you know how heavy someone is. Ladies, isn’t it true that the heavier a guy is the more he snores? I thought so. You can actually assign some scientific logic to this, because the heavier someone is, the thicker their throat will be, so when they suck down air during sleep it moves along their throat. The resultant effect is somewhat like that of an electric bass - their vocal chords vibrate, snoring results, and after a sleepless night or two the woman decides to put said heavy guy on a diet. And all because of
sleep.
Folks, you can even select/reject a potential mate based on how they sleep. If you decide to live with someone and then discover that they drool a lot while sleeping, hey, you might decide it’s not something you want to deal with. And guys or ladies, if your significant other wets the bed, well, you may definitely decide that it’s not something you want to deal with. And ladies, if you lay there one night and hear your fella whispering words like the following:
“Melissssaaaaaaa....”
“I promise I’ll marry you one day...”
“Amberrrrrrrrrrr....”
“Certainly I’ll respect you tomorrow...”
“Reneeeeeeeee....”
“No one will ever know....”
It might be a sign that he’s dreaming about something other than the 1967 Green Bay Packers. It might also be a sign that you’ll soon want him to be examining the front door of your place (the side that leads to the outside).
All sorts of other useful things can be determined during sleep - ever roll over during the night and discover that your spouse must’ve had food with lots of garlic in it? Or onions? Worse yet, ever discover that they must’ve eaten a whole lot of raisin bran earlier in the day? Or even worse than that, ever discover that their slack jawed look is not one that’s going raise your level of passion to new heights anytime soon?
So sleep, how people sleep, and what they do during sleep can tell you a lot. A whole lot. It can make you love somebody or hate somebody, it can take someone normal looking and turn them into a haint, simply put, it can change the whole course of a relationship with another person. And that’s something I could go into even more, and it’s something that I would like to go into even more, but hey, I’m a bit tired right now, so guess what I’m about to do?
About the Author
Ed’s latest book, “Rough As A Cob,“ can be ordered by calling River City Publishing toll-free at: 877-408-7078. He’s also a popular after dinner speaker, and his column runs in a number of Southeastern publications. You can contact him via email at: ed3@ed-williams.com, or through his web site address at: www.ed-williams.com.
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